Here it is

Just sitting here to write this blog with so much in my heart and mind and tears in my eyes.  I feel that I have so much to say and so much to express and so much I have learnt that I don’t even know where to start or even how to express it (writing my words down isn’t my strong point)

These past couple of months have been rough.  I have been so tired and exhausted and have been struggling with health issues, lot’s of doctors appointments with no answers, which leads me to believe that it might just be exhaustion.  I haven’t been feeling a lot of joy (which is weird for me because I find joy is one of my best characteristics) and I have just been going through the motions, especially with camp.  I have felt that people have lost interest in camp, I have questioned if this is really God’s plan and desire for my life.  I have complained to God a lot about having to do this camp thing alone and have been begging and pleasing for a husband (sorry to get honest here).  I have even told God that if He doesn’t have a husband for me that I am done with this, that I am done doing things alone.  I have been complaining about doing the work alone, about making the decisions alone and having to do all the driving back and fourth alone.  About not having land, about being short on finances (God did provide like all He always does) but in those moments, I came before my loving Father with clenched fists.  And I have done a lot of doubting that if camp was even a part of His heart.  

Even the morning of camp before the kids got there, so many little things happened that just frustrated me and I just wanted to be done.  I didn’t think I had it in me to get through the next 3 days.

But Saturday night at camp, God reminded me of how indeed camp is still part of His heart and how He sees and loves each one of these young men that came to camp and how much He wants to pour into them.  These gangster boys, full of tattoos and piercings and even one of them is going to be a father. were just broken by a loving Father, that sees them, that knows them and that has a plan for their lives.  It was quiet something to see these young men broken and crying over this fact.  To hear them say that they have hope, they they have dreams and plans and that they want God to be apart of their lives was seriously humbling.  

So it was worth it.  All the stress, all the exhaustion, all the questions and all the doubting are worth it.  And I love camp ministry, I love being part of what He has done, what He is doing and what He will continue to do in these kids lives.  I feel so thankful to be part of this dream and ministry He has called me to.  I love seeing hearts being changed.  I love seeing His children receive His love and joy in such tangible ways.  I love seeing families being changed through the moms and brothers and sisters who have come to camp.  It hasn’t always been easy and I know it always won’t be.  I know there will be highs and lows and struggles and questions and tears and wondering and lot’s and lot’s of praying and seeking.  But I am thankful that I love and serve a God who delights and loves His children.  I am thankful, even through all my doubting and unthankfulness, He has never, ever left me and He has been with me every step in this crazy journey.  And I am thankful that I have hope in a Rock that won’t be shaken and that His plans for Camp Gozo will surely come to pass in His perfect timing and even without a husband, He will always provide just what I need, when I need it.  

Psalm 139 have been running with my head this morning so I will just end with that.

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

2 

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

4 

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

5 

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

6 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

7 

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

8 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 

even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

11 

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

12 

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

13 

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

15 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

17 

How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 

Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you.

19 

If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 

They speak of you with evil intent;

    your adversaries misuse your name.

21 

Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 

I have nothing but hatred for them;

    I count them my enemies.

23 

Search me, God, and know my heart;

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 

See if there is any offensive way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting.